Shoulder Angels
by EEevee
Summary: If you're not allowed in Hades and you're not allowed in Heaven, where exactly can you go? What a dilema! Set after Reflections, but no incredible spoilers.
1. Default Chapter

Shoulder Angels  
  
Eeevee  
  
PG  
  
Humor/Supernatural  
  
Disclaimer: I don't really own any of the RK characters… I don't really want to own them either. Umm, the rest are mine, but I don't particularly feel attached so… yeah. Disclaimer, right: RK me no ownie.   
  
Forewarning: Kaoru's not dead, sorry. Three reasons (four actually: My fic, my rules. That's the best reason there is!) 1. Kicking off because of some stupid disease is a crappy, crappy way to die and I was very disappointed that Kenshin went out that way coughcrap!hack 2. I need her for part of the plot alive and umm… maybe not well 3. Fyyrrose takes WAY too much pleasure in the thought of her buying the farm and that simply won't do, not at all, giving J what she wants. Also, I like Kenshin better than Shinta… so yeah, you know what I'll call our beloved fragmented-persona rurouni.  
  
I suppose I also need to add that Battousai is his own person. See the capital B? Same premise as Drifter.  
  
"Normal talk"  
  
'Caged person's "spoken" words'  
  
-The person in charge of the bodies "spoken" words-  
  
Prologue  
  
That was it? I was dead. Well, that was crummy… not that I didn't realize and accept it long before my death. I was kind of hoping there would be more fireworks involved, or maybe the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.  
  
Instead I abruptly found myself staring at a pair of gnarled, twisted black iron gates. Skulls of all shapes and sizes were impaled on the top spikes, and various other bones littered the ground. The air was dead and lifeless.  
  
So this was Hell. I didn't see any fire. Where's the fire and brimstone? Actually, it was almost bitterly cold. The stale air seemed to hang with the heavy smell of decay and rotting flesh. Even though the bones had none to keep them warm.  
  
"You!" A voice boomed. Well, it might have if the air would tolerate such misbehavior. Instead it was more like a squeak. Did I mention I hate rats? Turning slowly I looked at Hoji mildly. Death hadn't improved the man any I must say.  
  
"Uh… me? This unworthy one… is sick of saying that. If I'm in Hell already why bother?" I grumbled. Could we hurry this up?  
  
The man smirked, ooo, he was so oily! What did he do, dip his head in a vat of grease? He straightened his already straight clothing and smirked some more.  
  
"No so fast Battousai."  
  
"Kenshin."  
  
"Battousai."  
  
"Kenshin."  
  
"Battousai!"  
  
"Kenshin!"  
  
"Fine," He growled, displeased that I had finally gotten enough spine to speak up. Well, why not? There was nothing more to atone for! Although it was kind of a jip, landing down here. I didn't do all that atoning for the fun of it! Being beaten into a pulp numerous times, not to mention the mental torture was hardly what I can great fun. To top it off I got that stupid disease!  
  
'It is a perfect way for a stupid wanderer to die in my humble opinion. Although, it makes me wonder about your… activities.' That voice, it's the one that never left me even through all those years. Meet my alter ego. He goes by Battousai.  
  
-Too bad no one ask your opinion, and hasn't in years.-  
  
'But I give it in the hopes that someday my words of wisdom would get through your thick skull.'  
  
Hoji coughed violently and I looked up. Reflex took over, "Are you all right?"  
  
"Insolent fool, I've been trying to get your attention!" He cleared his throat. He should see a doctor about that congestion. Were there doctors in Hell? Wait, if I came down here then would Miss Megumi also? No, she hadn't done anything near as terrible as I.  
  
'You keep telling yourself that. The truth of the fact is, all of your friends are saturated in sin, one way or another. You just kicked off first.'  
  
-Thank you Mister Positive.- No, I can't make light of such a matter. It terrified me that any of them could land down here. To the marrow of my bones. I deserved to be down here, but I couldn't bear it if they were forced to join me.  
  
'Get off your martyr trip already! They are responsible for their own choices. If they land in Hell all I have to say is the more the merrier!'  
  
"Would you pay attention?" Hoji shrieked in frustration. I gave him a peaceful, wanderer smile, which only pissed him off more. Hehe, never liked the man.  
  
I brushed past him, might as well get this over with. But when I pushed at the cold, iron gates they screamed in protest and flung me back. I did a fantastic butt-skid, being dead takes some getting used to, I didn't have all my reflexes.   
  
Hoji ground his teeth and slicked back his already smooth hair. His beady eyes were locked on me, daring me to ignore him again. Well, he had my attention. So talk you bearer of bad news. Can I shoot the messenger?  
  
"Lord Shishio will not permit you to enter the confines of Hell."  
  
"What?" Did I hear that right? Lord Shishio won't let me into Hell? What, was I not good enough for him or something? Wait… why was he controlling the gates?  
  
Apparently, staring dumbly waiting for an answer isn't very prompting. Hoji pursed his lips and glared with hooded eyes. What was he waiting for? Send me on a flight up to Heaven right?  
  
'Don't sound so gleeful. I bet it's boring up there. All fluffy and totally serene. Let's convince the crispy critter to let us stay down here.' Battousai wheedled. A tempting offer, really. That was sarcasm. Yes, sarcasm. I'm cranky and dead, I think I'm entitled to a little sarcasm, got a problem with that? 'Down boy. If you're going to be so stressed you might as well let me take the helm.'  
  
Stressed? Stressed! I had plenty of reason to go off the deep end here!  
  
"So you are not welcome."  
  
Yeah, got that already. Give me a sign.  
  
Before I could ask him to do something useful a beautiful light trickled down. A warm breeze brought the scent of fresh plum blossoms and a winged figure landed gracefully on the bones, as if they didn't bother her in the slightest. I suppose they wouldn't actually. Not after… not after…  
  
"Tomoe…" I whispered to the angel, for I had no doubt that's what she had become.  
  
I'd love to say that becoming an angel had made her even more beautiful…  
  
'What are you talking about? She's perfection itself.'  
  
-Do I sense a bit of blind admiration and love here?-  
  
'You shut up. Your woman is down on Earth in misery over your dead body. You're in no position to be poking fun at my situation.'  
  
That sobered me up. I wasn't really poking fun. I loved Tomoe also, although most certainly not in the same way Battousai did. He, however, had none of the same compulsions. He really seemed to have it out for my Kaoru.  
  
"Husband," She said serenely, her pale face as serious as ever. The white she wore was stunning while her dark hair looked like ink flowing across her shoulders.  
  
'Hey, are you looking at my woman funny? Because I must tell you I don't tolerate gawkers.' Is this urge I feel what Kaoru felt every time she smashed me over the head? It was like a slow bubbling of annoyance and anger that yearned for some head trauma?  
  
She hesitated, that was bad. I'd never seen her pause in the middle of a speech, no matter how delicate. So not a good thing.  
  
"The elders in Heaven have decreed in a trial of judgment that you may not enter." She announced this in the same voice that she had always called for dinner in. Although her face was composed I could see hurt and fear lingering behind her eyes. For me.   
  
"So where does that leave me?" I ask, fearing the answer. If I couldn't go to Hell nor Heaven, what was left?  
  
"Purgatory." Hoji snorted, "That's the only option."  
  
"Surely another decision can be reached."  
  
"No way woman."  
  
'Watch it rat-man.'  
  
"I will speak with Lord Shishio." He made a vague waving motion at her and said with disgust, "You confer with your people. We will meet in half a day to decide what to do with him."  
  
Before she could reply he disappeared in a puff of sinister looking smoke.   
  
'Neat trick.' Battousai commented.  
  
Before I could reprimand him Tomoe gave a vague smile, unfurled her wings, and disappeared upwards. Damn.  
  
'She'll be back.' Battousai said faithfully. It never ceased to amaze me how devoted he was. Most people only saw the edge of a blade when he was in charge, well, Tomoe was no special exception. Yet few lived through it. Wait, she didn't. This isn't coming out right! What I'm trying to say is he's a total romantic with her. Or not. The relationship was hardly normal, but it had seemed to suit them well on Earth.  
  
-What about Kiyosato?-  
  
He considered this for a long, silent moment and I almost thought I had given him something to chew on when he replied confidently, 'She's a better person than I am. If you can love both her and your Kaoru, even if it's to different degrees, then I think she could do the same. Probably better. You're not that balanced, you know?'  
  
Did I ever.  
  
'So what should we do? Play count the skulls.' He asked idly, pacing his prison. I suppose since I had become ill he really hadn't had one. I hadn't had the energy to erect one, but amazingly he was on his best behavior. It was disconcerting. It was wrong. Something was going to snap and soon.  
  
I really didn't want to count gory trophies or linger around the gates of Hell. Who knew when someone like Saitoh would come hurdling down intending to actually enter. Or maybe another old enemy, I seem to have a lot of them. Get rid of one and three more spring up.  
  
'Fine, spoil sport.' He huffed and started counting to himself. I wouldn't say he was mentally unbalanced exactly, but some of the things were so childish, they made me wonder.  
  
There wasn't anything much to do except sit and wait. It almost made me consider taking a page out of Aoshi's book and meditating. Almost. Instead I sat considering my options and calming my shot nerves. I'm really not like this you know. Not normally. Not so cynical, skeptical, and generally bad tempered… oh wait, I just described Saitoh. Seriously though, I'm usually very accommodating and good-natured.  
  
When the gates of Hell creaked open and Hoji strutted out I had this sinking feeling in my gut. He looked far too pleased about whatever Shishio had said. When Tomoe arrived a few seconds later she didn't look pleased at all. I'm taking it that my appeal did not go over well up there.  
  
The two conferred and when I tried to edge up to hear their conversation Hoji tossed what looked like balled up black lightning at me. This time I had gotten my "dead-legs" and dodged easily.  
  
When they broke apart from their meeting Hoji looked far less pleased. His pinched features radiated displeasure in fact. Which cheered me up immensely.  
  
"You have been granted a task Battousai. In order to be accepted into Heaven," He rolled his eyes at this. I take it Heaven was never high on his aspiring goals. "You must complete this task within the time limit given and without breaking the rules. If you fail then you're down in Hell. A visit, which I assure you, that will be far from pleasant since you thwarted Lord Shishio's plans in the living."  
  
"Terms and conditions?" I asked, very confused. Were they making bets on this? I bet they were. Betting pools on whether Kenshin will bomb his task or if he'll earn his fluffy little wings.   
  
Tomoe probably decided it might be easier if she gave me the bad news, break it gently you know. Too bad it didn't work and didn't keep me from completely flipping out.  
  
"You will be reborn on Earth as an animal of some sort. You have that lifetime to complete your task."  
  
"What kind of animal?"  
  
Hoji grimaced and Tomoe looked amused. I take it this was luck of the draw and for all I knew I'd come back as a turtle. Need for speed.  
  
"It has already been decided, but we are not privy to such classified information." Tomoe explained and Hoji, a bit peeved about her not-quite slur on how much his beloved Lord trusted him, nodded.  
  
'Ask what the other rules are!' Battousai hissed at me. I nodded in agreement, "What are the other restrictions?"  
  
Hoji put on a grandstand voice. Man, talk about some pomp and pride. "You are required to do fifty good deeds. Twenty-five must be done anonymously, however. You must do a deed for five of your friends and family." That's not so bad, "And five for your enemies in life." Ouch, define enemies, because I have lots of them.  
  
"Anything else?"  
  
Tomoe gave a smile, "Hoji and I will be dispatched, once your body is old enough, to judge and mediate fairly."  
  
'Sweet.'  
  
Hoji gave her a look, "Don't be so patronizing. Even devils have honor."  
  
"Yes, however, you may play by different rules and have different definitions of honor. I will ensure that a general view is enforced."  
  
"Aren't you biased?" Hoji shot back.  
  
"Aren't you?"  
  
That shut him up.  
  
A/N: I actually started writing this way back (at least three months ago) and by posting I am hoping it will provide some motivation to go further. Hint: reviews are motivaton. 


	2. Chapter One

Chapter One  
  
'Again?' I whined. Somehow, to make my reincarnation even more miserable than it is, Battousai ended up regaining control of my body. Well, not that it was a great prize at the moment anyway. With four wobbly, short, fat legs and a bloated little belly. With a big, fat head with large blue eyes and cream markings on the muzzle and around the eyes. Having a tail was odd and so were the whiskers.  
  
Yes, you guessed it. Came back as a cat, or rather a kitten at the moment. Just a few weeks old and he was already getting into trouble, that Battousai. Momma Cat is getting rather fed up and one day he's going to lose her protection slaughtering us both.   
  
Surprisingly he hasn't tried to yet. I would have thought, with all his big talk, that he would just kill us off as soon as possible and go happily to Hell laughing all the way.  
  
Maybe it was Tomoe's impending arrival, or maybe he was just pleased to be prowling the streets of Kyoto again. Yes, I don't know why we were born here, but I'm sure a rather silent man of mediation and a bouncy, hyper weasel chick were going to get a visit. The poor, poor humans; they simply had no idea.  
  
I hoped he would wait until we were big enough to run away in case Misao decided to use us for target practice, or something like that.  
  
-For your information I think rats are tasty.-  
  
'Nasty.'  
  
-Can't live off the teat forever buddy.-  
  
'I won't dignify that with a comment.'  
  
-You just did.-  
  
What's a poor prison to do? I stuck my tongue out, very mature I know. But when you're behind iron bars there isn't a whole lot you can do.  
  
-So what do you think about starting this stupid thing now? I mean, we aren't getting any younger.-  
  
'What? We can barely walk!'  
  
-So? Never stopped me before. I can recall several times when there was no walking.-  
  
'Fine.'  
  
It was morning time, just like any other. Battousai directed us, scooting in and out of heavy, tromping feet with ease. You'd think he'd been feline in his past life or something. We had been wandering the market for a good fifteen minutes, and the sucker actually managed to con some food out of a few vendors! What a suck-up.  
  
-I heard that.-  
  
'What's that?' I asked. I noticed this a few days ago, when I couldn't do much more than think. I'm not nearly so polite to my alter ego as everyone else. In fact, I'm down right rude sometimes. But I think that's because if I were polite to him he'd brush it off in annoyance. He doesn't have time for civilities don't you know? The man is the most anti-social creature I have ever had the misfortunate to meet. He even puts Aoshi to shame.  
  
Rather than waste his time answering he simply swerved in the direction that the sound was coming from. There in the corner sat a little girl. She was a mess and bawling. She couldn't have been more than three or four.  
  
"I want M-momma!" She howled and Battousai cringed. He didn't do well with crying women or children.  
  
'Just shut it!' He yelled, but what really came out was an angry 'meow'.   
  
The child, startled, looked up with big, teary eyes and smiled. She started reaching her chubby, dirty hands in our direction and Battousai sputtered nervously, 'What's that look in her eye? I don't like it, not one bit!'  
  
-I think she wants to petting the kitty, that I do.-  
  
'No way. I'm not part of a petting zoo!'  
  
-I think we are. Here's your good deed, get the girl to her mom. Are you up to it?- Now, if there's something I've learned over the last decade plus, is that Battousai loves a challenge and he hates to fail.  
  
'Of course.' He snapped scornfully, 'Why wouldn't I be?'  
  
The thing about this was that my wonderful, fearless alter ego had a few problems with little children. Namely a phobia of them, and being a cute, fuzzy kitten wasn't helping any. The child naturally wanted to get her little grubby hands on the furry animal in front of her.  
  
"Kitty!" She said making a lunge. I'd love to say that with a quick jump we nimbly scampered out of reach.  
  
'Curse these short, stubby legs!'  
  
-Just play along. I don't think biting is a good thing.-  
  
'Do I get negative points?' He snapped sarcastically.  
  
"Actually, yes." An oily, brown rat remarked from the box he was perched on. The beady, black eyes were gleaming with amusement and the whiskers were twitching.   
  
'Give me one reason why I shouldn't eat you rat-boy.' Battousai snarled, trying to wiggle out of the child's tight grasp.  
  
The rat looked down steadily and a sneer was curling around his mouth. That looks really funny on a rat actually. Like he tasted something bad, but rats seem to like everything so that couldn't be it. His sharp incisors gleamed as his lips drew back.  
  
"Ah!" The girl screamed, dropping her prize. She cowered in the other corner shaking her finger at Hoji and muttering gibberish in fright.  
  
'Good job you dumbass. You're making my job harder. Why shouldn't I eat you?'  
  
"I will simply return."  
  
'That's not a reason, it's a threat.' Battousai snorted and cautiously coiled around the child's legs. She never took her eyes off Hoji.  
  
"Get it kitty! Go! Kill it dead."  
  
-Yes, kill it dead.- I snickered. He glared and suddenly the bars were shrinking in around me. -Oro.-  
  
'Listen here brat, I doubt you're tiny brain is even registering this, but you need to find the woman that bore such a simpleton like you. I don't know what she looks like and strolling around until we find her won't work all that well.'  
  
Well, of course, she had no idea what he was directing her on, but she got up anyway. Brushing off her clothing in a prissy manner she looked around before striking out.  
  
"Come on Kitty! We need to go find Mommy!"  
  
'The confidence of youth.' I smirked.  
  
-What do I look like, a dog? I don't heel.-  
  
'That you don't.' I tittered and he threw an electric jolt at me. I frowned, I hated when he did that. I never did that to him when he was in the cage. Not much anyway.  
  
We followed the child about half a block, with Hoji slinking in the shadows, before a very upset woman rushed forward with a furious look. She snatched the child's tiny hand and screamed.  
  
"Fujiko! You had me scared to death! How many times have I told you to stay next to me at all times? I even found a nice policeman to help me look for you."  
  
The woman turned to the 'nice policeman'.  
  
-Hey, isn't that the Eiji kid from way back? I didn't know he became a policeman. Makes sense, considering you threw the poor boy to the Wolf.-  
  
'You make it sound like I had a choice!' Which I didn't really. I didn't have time to argue with Saitoh over a child that technically fell under his jurist diction anyway. After all, the boy's older brother was one of Saitoh's men.  
  
-He seems to have turned out all right, but you never know.-  
  
'Uh-huh.'  
  
I looked out at the young man. He had grown quite a bit since I had seen him those years ago in the village. His black hair was cropped short and his uniform was immaculate. The black eyes were no-nonsense, but they didn't seem cold and his face was lit by a small, quiet smile.  
  
"You heard your mother young lady. The world is a dangerous place and we wouldn't want you getting hurt or lost."  
  
"I did get lost." She replied and pointed, "But Kitty saved me! There was this big, nasty rat and he protected me."  
  
-I did? Great, the kid is delusional.-  
  
"Nasty, what a filthy animal! Fujiko, you are coming with me and you are going to wash your hands right now. It didn't bite you did it? Good. No, we can't keep the kitty. Kitties are nasty, yucky creatures with fleas and dirt and Kami knows what else!"  
  
-Thank you. So was that a good deed, or what? I think I should get two points for all that I put up with.-  
  
Hoji appeared at the corner of some shallow shadows with his eyes glistening with reserved amusement, "One. Only forty-nine left to go. Just remember that every time you do a bad deed, you lose a good deed. That includes digesting me."  
  
-What? That's total crap! When did that rule come into play? You can't just change things to suit your purposes, that's cheating!-  
  
"I did not change a thing. These rules have remained the same since they were decided mutually between Hell and Heaven. You simply are not aware of all of them. A pity."  
  
-A pity my tail! It will be a pity when I'm forced to tear you limb from tiny, rat limb!- Battousai snarled and lunged forward. Rage lent him speed and strength because he pinned the nasty sucker to the ground.  
  
Hoji didn't seem particularly impressed or frightened. He glared back in his usual pompous way. No good intimidating him. That's okay, Battousai had other ways of getting what he wanted. And not all of them required fear. Geez, who's side am I on anyway?  
  
"Hoji, stop antagonizing him." Tomoe commanded calmly. If I could only have one word to describe her it'd be imperturbable. The woman, dead or alive, was practically unflappable. "Please let go of him. You have worked hard, you wouldn't want that deed to go to waste."  
  
'Just do it. It can't be that hard.' I urged, 'Unless you'd like to guide more lost children home?'  
  
He shuddered, 'This good deed stuff is going to mental scar me for life.'  
  
Tomoe, who was in the form of a white dove, very poetic if you ask me, sat unblinking. I'm sure that she could hear Battousai's dialogue, since Hoji seemed very apt at butting in on private conversations between us. Yet she didn't reprimand him, after all, that wasn't a woman's place.  
  
I smiled. Kaoru would have beaten me senseless if I had made such an insensitive remark. Of course, I never would have. Not out loud anyway. After all, I dedicated my life to helping people. I can't say I enjoyed every minute of it, but there is that intangible satisfaction that lingers after a job well done.   
  
"You are already scarred, I suggest you concentrate on other matters. Namely the man that's about to pick you up by your scruff." Hoji sneered and I wanted to take a potshot at him. Bad, rurouni, bad!  
  
Then again, I was dead. So was I still out to help people, or could I let Battousai take over for a bit and relieve my wearying burden? Would that leave me free to act naturally? So that I could be jealous, greedy, and selfish like a normal human? To wish bad things I didn't mean or say things I didn't mean, but still felt?  
  
-Hey, Mister Philosophical, what should we do?-  
  
'Oro?'  
  
It was too late by then. There was this nauseating feeling as we were lifted aloft by the scruff of our neck. The loose fur bunched nicely in his palm and I felt the body respond by going limp. We hung there with our legs and tail curled up protectively.  
  
Battousai's flattened his ears and hissed, but the young man just chuckled.  
  
"You don't look like much." He commented in a deep voice, "But I suppose my brothers will like you anyhow. I wouldn't want such a heroic kitten to starve on the streets."  
  
-No!- Battousai howled, but by then we were tucked under an arm firmly and off to meet an old friend.  
  
A/N: I feel really bad about not posting the next chapter of Strays, so here's an early bonus! Anyway, drive-by replying:  
  
Fyyrrose: Some of my one-shots have more, but it's nice. Yes, I left the forewarning, why'd you think I wouldn't? Posted yes continue I'll try. I really need to work on TT. I think it's time for the boys to get rid of Tokio's "present."  
  
MissBehavin: If only I knew where I was going. Yes, Saitoh, incase you couldn't tell, is definately going to be in here. Enishi laughs don't they eat cats in China? Hoji will be himself --' And Tomoe gets to shoot him down a bit   
  
WhiteRabbit5: I'd be a bit grumpy if I did all that redemption in life, die of a crappy diesease, then was stuck in limbo. Yup. As for a philosophy? These are my typical chariacatures. I generally use Battousai in my humor fics... well, most of my fics are humor... but Kenshin is one person usually. SDK was an interesting anime. I haven't read all the manga yet, and I bet it's different, but Kyo/Kyoshiro's relationship was really twisted. Well, I won't spoil it.  
  
Shimizu Hitomi: yes, you can see why I was laughing so hard. But you know, I have a sick mind, so. Hehe, "Fireflies in the Grass" certainly explained the unexplainable! It all makes perfect sense now!   
  
Hoji: You'll come back as a wingless fruit fly  
  
Kenshin: So when will I be born?  
  
Hoji: Too late, you just died. Mwahahaha!  
  
Kenshin: ;; That wasn't fair, all I did was blink!  
  
misaoshiru: Hmm, so other people watched that show? Yes, vaguely that was one of the base influences, but since I only saw like 4 eppies of Deeds... Most of it is just me being myself.  
  
eriesalia: He'd be a cute bunny! Okay, I've compared Shishio to a bunny... the poor people. Ooo, battousai could be a chipmunk, or a hamster... wait no, those are evil things. The hamsters. And stupid.  
  
indigochipmunk: Thankies, I got tired of being subtle and tactful   
  
TYDYE girl: I always thought it would be a freak accident, but that's just me   
  
Trupana: What's with the cow thing? That really made an impact on you guys, didn't it?!! Well, since Tomoe's going to be a major player I wanted to clear that up right away. I've read it now   
  
kawaii sakura-chan: Thankies, I'm motivated, I think.  
  
Maeve Riannon: I could have done some many evil things to the poor guy. Thank you, I think everyone has some sort of sarcastic inner voice.  
  
Wistful-Eyes: Yes! Just couldn't do without good ol' B, huh. He won't be blowing up any houses... I don't think... not this time... Yup, I finally got Tomoe... well, she's still dead, but she's an animated dead person! 


End file.
